Why I Hate Twilight.

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 16:47:54 GMT

Hate is a strong word but unless I decide to get a lobotomy or I'm trapped in a car with my sister again, I will have no desire to re-read Twilight. I will admit that I like dreading them at the time because they are entertaining in a very MTV reality-show kind of way. It amuses you now but if you were looking for quality writing, you better turn it to something without well-placed censor bars.

Okay, my friends, my aunt and even my English teacher are obsessed with these books. I have nothing against the fans or the actors in the movies. I just have a few points to make.

1) Edward Cullen is abusive.
Every rant I've read has made this point. He stalks her, watches her sleep. Any time she says 'No." to him, he does crazy, insane things like take the engine out of her car. But, I have to give him props b/c Bella comes across as so stupid taking all of her shoes would be enough to get her to stay put. Wouldn't be able to keep her from whining about it, unfortunately.

2) How the fuck is Edward Cullen sexy?
He drives a friggin' Volvo. What more do I need to say? And Bella was going through so many hoops, much like the trained puppy she is (honestly, whenever she fawned over his pale, statuesque skin I expected her to pee herself with excitement) to sleep with him and i don't understand why. There's a short amount of time a woman can pretend the "If I have sex with you, I could kill you." line is still even remotely appealing. I kept seeing this awkward Forks Newspaper headline about a teenager getting her vagina stuck to an icicle. If she wanted to experience sex with a vampire so much, she could've prepped herself by practicing with a icy Push-pop. She's lucky MR. Freeze wasn't in town, Edward would've been left sparkling in the sun.

And his idea of a suicide attempt was walking out in the sun? Oh, real scary. Bella better go save him! He could get a sun burn... or a melanoma.

3) Bella is only attractive to stalkers.
In the beginning, not a few hours after she arrived, Bella let off a very powerful pheromone called Fresh Meat. Every stalker within a 5-mile radius was immediately rendered speechless. Much like Bella's new friends after Edward stopped treating Bella like something stuck to his shoe. SM tried to make it seem as if, by not complaining about her stalkers, Bella was trying not to piss anyone off. I think she liked it. Who wouldn't like someone following them around all the time while simultaneously claiming their need to stay away from her. Edward's like a bad disease. At least he isn't a rapist (that we know of) like Jacob. He's a living, breathing example of the philosophy "No means yes; yes means oh yeah!". And also, like Edward, see below

4) How the hell is Jacob Black sexy?
Any time Bella tried to tell him why Edward's absence put her in the fetal position, Jacob just shoved it right back in her face. What a pal. Also, Jacob brings this Forks Newspaper headline: Teen suffers inexplicable third degree burns on her vagina. Either way, how the hell was Bella able to conceive at all, let alone walk. But she had to, because Jacob needed someone else to stalk. This is like a bad example of trying to make an ex jealous by dating someone younger. Someone inappropriately, disgustingly, illegally, younger. How awful it must be for Renesme to grow up already married. She'll never get the chance to date other guys. Not with Jacob following around, breaking hands with his face. And if her father is anything like Bella's, he'll just laugh off the injury and go get the burn ointment.

Renesme: But I like him, I want to date him.
Jacob: We've imprinted, your life is pretty much mine now. You'll spend your life sewing up my pants and while I wait patiently to get into yours.

5) Alice is the only character with any semblance of a personality.
Or so we've been led to believe. Even the final editing, with Bella's ghost over SM's shoulder, couldn't squash all of her personality. She's entertaining, calls Edward out on his shit, and she has a mysterious background. She even controls her boyfriend. Unlike some people, Ellabay Wansay. I'd read a book about Alice and Jasper. If it was written by anyone, and I mean anyone else.

6)The most important point: Bella Swan has just celebrated her 5th birthday.
Its the age when the most important things to you are pretty, shiny, SPARKLY, things. You don't care if your parents say "No" because you want it and you want it now. It's also the age when it's still cute to be clumsy and helpless. However, why would her parents not question all her weird accidents. It Edward was actually abusive, Bella would really be in trouble. You know, if her three brain cells would be able to put it together. Owwie + Edward = LOVE! He loves me so much it hurts sometimes.

Seriously! She's stupid, whiny, anti-social, ungrateful, weak and submissive. She puts up with so much and she does it in a completely annoying manner.God forbid Edward leave her to fend for herself. Who will watch her sleep, torture her with the unproven promise of love and protect of vampires and werewolf sexual assailants? She's replaces her father with Edward. It all makes sense now.

Edward insults her, she spends a weekend wondering what she could've done wrong. Edward leaves her, she can't function on her own for 6 months. She's torn between Jacob and Edward, she spends a night in a tent cuddled up next to Jacob with Edward and few feet away. She's the poster child for "Bad Decisions."

And a gross, but important question, what happened when she got her period? What did Edward do then? SM gets away with fucking up science completely by creating Renesme, but explain this? Edward would've had to lock Jasper away. And seeing as the women and Forks don't live in the same house, Jasper would've never been able to go to school ever. Unless this is just a another reason that Alice rocks.

Here's a thought: I think SM is not a real person. She's a 50 year-old man, possibly in prison, with access to the biggest thesaurus ever created. Think about it, he's trying to make Volvo's, supernaturally strong stalkers, icy skin, pre-adolescent life partners, and apathetic parents marketable to teen girls. Who's grandpa is responsible for this?

Get a real fandom, get excited for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

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Sat, 30 Dec 2006 18:30:34 GMT

comment to be added

Am I a little sick?

Why I Hate Twilight.

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